Equalities minister, Theresa May, has today issued a statement calling for urgent action to address the alarming lack of Aryan supermen occupying top positions in the city.
Poor risk-management in the city, leading up to the 2008 financial crisis, has been widely blamed on banks having an open and inclusive employment policy. “How are you supposed to run a multi-billion-dollar institution properly, when you’re forced to rely on a horde of darkies, savages and Women?” asked May, “and don’t get me started on the gingers”.
Woman, and leading FX trader, Amy Wilson, said “I got a first in maths from Cambridge and routinely earn millions for my firm every day”. She was then patted on the head and slapped on the arse by manager, Klause Von Steinschafnner, before scurrying off to get the coffees in.
Highly respected credit analyst, Ahmet Singh, said “Last year I managed to re-adjust our credit portfolio to a default-risk-neutral position, avoiding a loss of millions for our investors, my manager, Heinrikh Schmidt, has just told me that I am to be promoted to chief towel cleaner at the executive squash club”.
Chief executive officer, and Austrian aristocrat, Willhelm von Knebel Sachsberg kleinhaussen, said “Our organisation is a pioneer in solo-culturalism”, adding, “we’ve come a long way, but the fight is not over, we will not stop until every last inferior being is banished from this industry. We will then turn our attention to the speccy ginger twats with shit beards who work in creative media”.