In a surprising move, locusts have abandoned large-scale swarming, citing a growing trend for their message to be misinterpreted or down right ignored.
Locust spokesman Dave4,987,398 said: “The tactic has served us well for over 4,000 years, but it’s not easy to reach the benchmark ‘plague of biblical proportions’, especially as young locusts today are increasingly individualistic and lack the swarming instinct.”
Dave4,987,398 noted the irony that their biggest early successes planted the seed of their current problems: “The great plague of Egypt in 2000BC fostered the illusion that we were the instrument of God’s will, when the reality was we were a socialist movement protesting against unchecked capitalism in the street markets of Cairo. But we were happy to keep up the illusion as we got great PR in the Bible”.
So it was with some bitterness that Dave4,987,398 pointed out recent Christian indifference: “We have long accepted that two male locusts can have a loving relationship equivalent to marriage, and we like to watch two female locusts loving as much as the next insect. So we ran the massive ‘Occupy’ plague in the Midwest USA in early 2009, and we had a complete embargo on plaguing countries that gave rights to gay couples. But the Christians ignored our obvious message and said it was proof that Barack Obama shouldn’t be President.”
Dave4,987,398 said the reaction of the general population wasn’t much better: “The great East African plague of 2010 was to show Africans should be given a hand-up not a hand-out – we thought we made that obvious as we ate all the imported grain and left the seeds alone. But then Bono goes on the telly and more shiploads of grain arrive – I mean thanks for the lunch but geez!”
Dave4,987,398 confirmed that locusts aren’t giving up on protest per se: “We are toying with embracing the technological age and doing a ‘virtual’ plague – the worms have already had some success in this area. But failing that, I suppose we could just sit on our arses all day and click ‘Like’ on Kony 2012 videos.”