Under fire Home Secretary Theresa May has told the House of Commons that following their inability to deport Abu Qatada to Jordan the Government has commenced proceedings to deport Timmy Mallett to France instead.
‘The public demands and deserves a deportation’ she explained. ‘We don’t seem to be able to get rid of Qatada, so we’re offering them Timmy Mallett instead. He’s not suspected of anything apart from being a bit annoying, but I’m sure he hasn’t got lawyers as good as Qatada’s, so hopefully it will go through a bit more smoothly.’
Mallett himself said he was surprised at the announcement but not overly bothered as France is ‘utterly brilliant!’ Human rights campaigners have slammed the decision however, arguing that there is a definite risk that he could be tortured by the French. The Home Secretary dismissed this however, saying ‘President Sarkozy has assured me that they’ve never seen Wacaday or heard Itsy BitsyTeenyWeenyYellowPolkaDotBikini, so he should be safe from the risk of torture. As long as he keeps his shitty wacky specs and oversize sponge hammer to himself I’m sure he’ll be OK, but if not then he deserves to be tortured.’