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Jokes that require a little thought

(86 posts) (32 voices)

Started 1 year ago by seymour totti
Latest reply from Nails UK

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The All New Jeni B

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God, would you not be better going and sorting out some of the major problems in the world rather than posting really shit jokes here?

Just sayin'...

Posted 1 year ago #
Midfield Diamond

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As Wallster said, some wordplay jokes work better when spoken than when written down.

Two pieces of tarmac, one red and one black, go into a bar. The barman points at the red one and says, "I'm not serving you, you're a cycle path."

Posted 1 year ago #
Oxbridge

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No. A horse goes into a bar. The barman says 'hey, why the long face?'

The horse:

a) says 'So I can get it that much further up your wife's minge, you unfunny cnut.'

b) says 'Best Mate died.' [Good memory of horse racing needed here]

c) doesn't reply, because he is a horse and so incapable of communication. His jockey retrieves him shortly afterwards.

Delete as applicable

Posted 1 year ago #
The All New Jeni B

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Midfield Diamond, that's a favourite of mine, normally told when extremely drunk.

See also: Two cigarettes walk into a bar.
The barman turns to one and says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're menthol."

Posted 1 year ago #
Hercule Poirot

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Anteater goes into a pub.

Barman says "Can I help you?"

Anteater says "Nooooooooooo. Noooooooooooo!"

Barman: "Why the long noes?"

Posted 1 year ago #
Hercule Poirot

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Bear goes into a pub.

Barman: "What'll you have?"

Bear: "A pint of .................. lager, please."

Barman: "Why the big pause?"

Posted 1 year ago #
Hercule Poirot

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Apologies, Mesdames, Monsieurs, I do not know what she came over me. I will resume rooting out the suspect.

Posted 1 year ago #
seymour totti

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Polar Bear goes into a pub

Barman: - What will you have?

Polar Bear: - I don't need a drink as I obtain all the liquid I need through the food I digest. Can I have some change for the fruit machine please?

Posted 1 year ago #
God

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Jen - thin ice. Watch it.

Posted 1 year ago #
Midfield Diamond

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A man goes into a pub with a crocodile and says, "Do you serve Crystal Palace fans?"
"Yes, of course we do" the barman replies.
"Well I'll have a pint and the crocodile will have a Palace fan please"

(Change team name as applicable)

Posted 1 year ago #
The All New Jeni B

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God, oooh! I'm scared!!

Actually, seeing as I don't believe in you, I'm effectively having this conversation with myself.

*Wanders off scratching head*

Posted 1 year ago #
beau-jolly

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Does your elephant do tricks?
Yep. It F*cks cats
Meoaw - Stomp - Splat
That's that cat f*cked.

Posted 1 year ago #
Midfield Diamond

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Mathematician's joke: What's the volume of a pizza of thickness a and radius z?

Posted 1 year ago #
kga6

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Nice MD. I thought of a thinker today. It's awful:

Boss: Why are you late for work?
Man: It's alright, I have a transsexual gander.
Boss: Ah, that's OK then.

(Explanations on the back of a postcard to the mental asylum please...)

Posted 1 year ago #
A Wagonload Of Monkeys

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Thisisalloneword provided one of my favourites...

Carbonate of soda merely curious

http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=15229

Posted 1 year ago #
riesler

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Love the French joke.
In the same vein I am trying to work the French for 'tired' into something vaguely homophobic and weight-ist. Suggestions?

Posted 1 year ago #
Nails UK

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A somewhat cerebral offering. And a pound to a penny there'll be a typing mistake in it.

Jsmdstf trfivrf yp honnrtodj nu drvtrystos; rttpt

Vjspd trohmrf om yjr jpidr pg vp,,pmd ypfsu sd yjr pggovs; jsmdstf trvptfrt [;svrf jrt jsmfd pm yjr etpmh lrunpstf jp,r lrud. yjod trfivomh yjr ,omiyrd pg hpbrtm,rmy nidomrdd yp ,rsmomh;rdd honnrtodj/

Posted 1 year ago #
beau-jolly

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How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a penis?

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Not mine but made oi larf!

Nails: You are going to have to give me a clue here!

anyway...this baby seal walks into a club...

Posted 1 year ago #
Vertically Challenged Giant

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No spelling mistakes nails.

Posted 1 year ago #
Nails UK

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VCG - phew, glad to hear it.
Beau-jolly - consider your keyboard, perhaps with a left-wing view.

Posted 1 year ago #
beau-jolly

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Nails: Thank you for putting me out of my misery.
BTW, should yjod be yjid? You have no idea how long this took me!

Posted 1 year ago #
seymour totti

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Agree with you there B-J about "yjid". Took me ages to work this out too. At first, I thought it was a cryptic crossword clue in Welsh!

Posted 1 year ago #
Nails UK

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Dang - I just knew there would be a mistake in there. Note to self to reconsider alternative career as a priifreader.

Posted 1 year ago #
Mandy Lifeboat

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Bluka - rglr ua vkwwt sudduxyr. lrgiyfg u nufgr ybswearlbs viefwb l vur vwrrwe biq.

Posted 1 year ago #
kimllfixit

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Why are people writing in Welsh on here all of a sudden?

Posted 1 year ago #
Nails UK

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It is a lot easier if you are actually a copy typist.

Anyone remember ROT13?
http://www.just-stuart.com/cgi-bin/ur13

Posted 1 year ago #

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