Alright. I’m Ashley Young and this is my guide to what the coming week has in store for you.
You’ll fall out of bed tomorrow morning, but when you tell people in an attempt to garner sympathy no one will believe it wasn't intentional. Things will carry on like this for the rest of the day. Try to avoid furniture.
A chance visit to a children’s swimming pool will test your self-restrain to breaking point and end in a broken nose, plus a lecture about ‘rules’ and ‘appropriate conduct’ from another man in shorts with a whistle.
Your boss will have a word with you about all the falling over you’ve been doing at work lately. He’ll tell you it’s ok to fall over when you really need to (like that time you won the Henderson contract with a persuasive PowerPoint presentation delivered half on the floor) but at the moment you’re all over the place and people are starting to talk.
When close friends announce the arrival of a new baby, your initial joy will soon be replaced with anxiety and foreboding after they invite you to the christening. Wear iron wellingtons and attach two enormous helium balloons to your shoulders.
Your worst nightmare appears to have come true after your wife books the pair of you in for some line-dancing lessons. The evening will actually pass without incident and you’ll have a pretty good time.
After a good start to the week, things will start to go downhill and so will you. Avoid gradients and try and wear something soft like a fat coat; preferably a high-visibility one so the ref can see you.
A routine trip to your local Waitrose this Sunday will throw your entire world into turmoil as you fall over in every single one of the 300 or so little lined boxes in the car park. This will take hours and attract quite a crowd.
You’ll see one of those accident lawyer adverts on TV and it’ll give you a great idea for a company that gets compensation for people who haven’t had an accident at work that was their fault.
The video entitled ‘OMG, look at this cunt! lol’ you put up on youtube that showed a man perpetually falling over in a Waitrose car park will go viral. You will, however, be wracked with guilt as you know full well that always falling over for no discernible reason is a miserable existence.
This week will see you take the practice of ‘gaining competitive advantage through the medium of falling over’ to new levels as you trip, stagger, stumble and collapse your way to the EuroMillions jackpot win, a free holiday in the Maldives and the lead role in an Alan Ayckbourn play, set in a lift.
A mixed bag as far as your love life is concerned, this week. Women will be falling over themselves to get your attention but, with you falling over yourself too it could get confusing. It’ll either end up as an orgy, or a fractured lateral malleolus.
With Jupiter and Saturn about to pass each other, even though they’re roughly 400 million miles apart, from our vantage point it’ll look to everyone and refs like there’s contact so one of them is bound to go down. Clear your diary.