Vampires have reacted in dismay to a new raft of measures being forced upon them by the Health & Safety Executive. A spokesman for the HSE said, "For too long, the activities of vampires have carried on without any regulation or thought for public safety. It's time for that to change. We don't want to stop them killing, we just want to make sure they do it with one eye on people’s welfare."
Amongst the new rules is the need for vampires to complete a detailed risk assessment before leaving their coffin. They must also wear a high visibility jacket during the hours of darkness. This was due to a recent compensation claim put in by Mrs Janet Thomas of Shrewsbury. She tripped over a vampire feeding on a teenager in a dark alley, badly spraining her ankle and successfully sued him for several thousand pounds.
Jacob Evans, a former blacksmith, but now a vampire for over 250 years, said, "It's crazy. We've survived quite happily for all this time feasting on the blood of defenceless victims without these petty rules. I've murdered thousands of people up 'til now and I've never had a single piece of negative feedback. It feels like we are under attack from all sides. We used to have one of the best occupational pension schemes available as it could sit and mature for several centuries. Now, even that is a stakeholder."
"If this carries on I may have to chose an alternative career path. With my current skill set of stalking the weak and striking without mercy when least expected, I could easily become a traffic warden. But come on, even I have standards!"