Celebrity Muse and part-time skank wrangler, Keith Lemon, has been comprehensively ‘finished’ in Mortal Kombat by non-promiscuous naturalist, sir David Attenborough.
The encounter, which took place on Richmond Hill, lasted for just 98 seconds. Attenborough systematically demolished Lemon with a crowd-dazzling combo that contained no less than three special moves, two sweep kicks, six fireballs, a grappling hook and one mesmerising, yet fatal uppercut to Lemon’s lower face. Attenborough then turned to a nearby camera and said "bang tidy" in a clipped, reassuring tone, before turning his back on Lemon's lifeless corpse and leaving the arena without further comment.
Lemon had a promising start to the encounter however, cracking off a flurry of sonic cock-arrows before unleashing his signature, ‘etherial fire-dildo’, but in a ploy that surprised Lemon, Attenborough blocked them all with his right forearm, before proceeding with his deadly onslaught.
With no contenders willing to lay down the gauntlet to Attenborough, Mortal Kombat industry analysts have predicted a sharp decline in the sport’s popularity.
Promoter, Frank Warren, said in a post-match interview “There’s no denying the lack of young talent out there, Fogle’s ok but he just doesn’t pull in the crowds”.
Experts believe that warren is keeping his cards close to his chest, however, amid speculation that he will try and tempt one of the sport’s former titans out of retirement, with many supporter groups hoping that David Bellamy or Terry Nutkins will be next in-line to face the fearsome Attenborough.