Transport for London and the Olympic Organising Committee have revealed travel plans for the games for those lucky enough to have tickets to the events, and those meant to be working during the two weeks.
"London is a vibrant multicultural city, a 21st century city, and the Olympics will show the world that London is capable of putting on the greatest show on earth, cirque du soleil aside, obviously. To help with this it would be good if everyone else could leave the capital in an orderly queue from 1st May onwards. It doesn't matter where you go really... some of you no doubt have family you haven't seen in a while outside the M25, maybe you want to go on one of the god awful sounding stay-cations, which probably means Butlins or some such if your particularly working class, or abroad even. Abroad is nice at that time of year. Just not Weymouth or anywhere they are playing the soccer stuff."
"Anyone who wants to stay in the capital can do so on the proviso that they remain indoors at all times unless they can produce proof of an event ticket or if they work for one of our many proud sponsors at Greggs, Dominoes Pizza, Cabdurys or Nandos. If you do have a ticket then, wow, well done, seriously, you will be allowed to travel upon the jewel in the TFL crown; The London Metro."
"As this is a jubilee year we thought it only fitting that we close all other lines except for the jubilee line which will operate as and when a ticket holder turns up who is prepared to try and drive the thing, don't imagine it's hard, push a button, off you go, that sort of thing. Anyone wishing to drive these under-trains will have already signed up to the exciting Olympic concept of a safety waiver, by concept we mean of course legally binding contract. This was part of the ticket sale terms and conditions, I'm sure you read all through them. Oh that applies to anyone travelling on these trains too."
"One of the dynamic images of London, famous world over, is the red double decker bus. We will have a fleet of 3 such buses in operation during the games, and to help tourists get decent photos of these iconic design classics the buses will remain stationary at all times."
"Walking is pehaps the best exercise that most people in Britain can tell there GPs that they do a bit of each week. It was a key part of the Olympic legacy that we should get more people walking anf to help that it will be the only way to get around town for most of the summer. A note of caution is that we also advise that no one should walk around town during looting season which runs throughout the summer months. Anyone wishing to travel should instead consider not doing so or waiting a few months."
"It is often said that the hardest thing about roller skating is telling your parents that you are gay. Such mindless homophobic attitudes are best left to the past, or the police, who will be shooting anyone travelling by this method on site. Roller skating has been linked to terrorism recently online, perhaps in this very travel update release, and we cannot afford to put the greatest show on earth, not counting the X-Factor, at risk by not shooting roller skaters. We will include cyclists here too"
"The Greenest Games of all times wouldn't be the greenest if we let people drive would they? Of course not! DO NOT DRIVE. To help spread this message out to as wide an audience as possible we will be extending the congestion charge zone by some 10 miles in each direction and increasing the charge by £1000 per day. If you do wish to pay then you are very welcome indeed to use the special 'Olympic Gold Lanes' which are for Olympians, Sponsorship partners and rich people only. After the events have finsihed these Olympic Gold Lanes will revert to being called all London roads."
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