British Infrastructure was enthusiastically pulsating with buttock-clenching anticipation last night, following the announcement that there were only 100 days to go before he could start shafting foreigners into the next century.
In a rare television appearance, the bloated inefficient scourge of the people declared his excitement at the prospect of embarrassing the living s**t out of us all: “It’s like all my Christmases have come at once, I just can’t wait, I mean pissing off city financiers and media-types on a daily basis is great, don’t get me wrong, but the prospect of dicking about a load of foreigners for a month has left me giddy”, he then added “para-what?, TWO MONTHS??, f**k-me you’re kidding?, bring it the f**k on”.
With swathes of foreigners expected to attempt normal usage of the transport system, the NHS’ exasperation unit has been put on high alert.
Japanese transport minister, Takeshi Maeda, has provided advice on dealing with overcrowded transport systems, offering to train a squadron of polite yet mildly-aggressive transport police to help stuff foreigners on to the Jubilee line. Although the Met has welcomed the advice, it is widely believed that the translation was incorrect, as hundreds of police in training overcoats have been seen at Tottenham Court Road station, kettling commuters in the ticket hall.
In a leaked phone call to London Mayor Boris Johnson, RMT Union Boss Bob Crow, said “what the f**k is he playing at?, if anyone’s going f**king to shaft them it’s f**king ME, right?, f**k off!, where’s my f**king money???”.
Menwhile, in a suspected outbreak of acute smug-bastard syndrome, cyclists everywhere have been suffering from overzealous laughter, arse-rot and spotaneous head combustion.