Following the self publication on the Internet of topless photos of pop star Rihanna, coupled with the recently leaked internet video of a certain female pop star performing a “Sexual act”, a Doctor has warned of the risk of mass blindness afflicting the teenage male population. “It could be like something from Day of the Triffids, as millions of teenage boys with internet access go blind after tugging themselves round the room until they literally ejaculate their own retinas.” said Doctor Levi Onan of the University of Mail Order Degrees, Alabama.
“Looking at these images all day I have worked myself into a frenzy”, explained Dr Onan who lives alone with his wife, a devout celibate. “I’ve got through two bottles of screen cleaner on my PC just trying to keep it clear of filth!” he fumed.
Other medical experts have begged to differ, explaining that it is physically impossible to ejaculate your own retinas, and that Dr Onan is about as qualified to speak on health matters as Andrew Lansley.