French police have announced that no charges will be laid against Pippa Middleton as a result of a weekend gun incident in Paris as none of the many witnesses got a clear view of her famous rear.
“Witnesses spoken to all recall seeing a brown-haired woman, of average to above average height, but beyond that they couldn’t be specific about any more details. We held an ID parade on the off-chance, but the witnesses just shrugged and wandered off without even asking for any of the line-up member’s phone numbers”, said police spokesman Rene Arnoult.
Mr Arnoult rejected allegations that the police had bungled the investigation noting that after the unsuccessful ID parade, they had dusted off the front seat of the car where the incident was alleged to have occurred to take a bottom-print. “It was extremely distinctive and shapely, and I was confident of an arrest, followed by handcuffing the suspect, and a closely monitored detention” said Mr Arnoult.
However hopes of a result ended at the interview stage, with Mr Arnoult noting: “Pippa’s host body was fully cooperative and made a full and frank statement. However Pippa’s bottom exercised its right to remain silent, which is permissible, even mandatory, under royal protocol.”
The paparazzi photographers who were subjected to the gun threat denied doing anything to provoke the occupants of the car: “We just asked them which tunnel they were driving to and we said we would race them there”.