A recent advertising campaign designed to encourage Brits to holiday at home has been exposed as an attempt to resolve the drought. Professor Ahmed Kamil has been Head of Tempting Fate at Middlesex University since 1984, and was called on by Tory PR executives in a desperate ploy to “cure the incurable”.
“It was clear that the Conservatives were miserable – people across the country resent that the Olympics are having millions poured into it, yet have to deal with the inconveniences caused to their everyday lives,” said Professor Kamil. “Similarly, people are pretty peeved by the whole hosepipe ban. It struck me that I could solve all the Tory PR problems in one go simply by getting Stephen Fry to pretend to enjoy the British seaside”.
The adverts – featuring Ron Weasley and a cup of tea – attempt to show Britain as some sort of cultural haven, packed with an array of attractions that would make other countries collapse in shame. If successful, the millions of holidaymakers set to fly out to the Med would squeeze into the back of their cars and head to British hotspots such as Margate, Canvey Island and Scunthorpe, instantly triggering a fortnight of torrential rain.
Kathy Bridges from the Bognor Regis tourist board has been behind the campaign since its first showing in early April, believing that the influx in visitors could see a 2500% rise in 2p coin machine revenue and has encouraged arcade owners to buy in extra stocks of fake Angry Birds cuddly toys. “We’re putting up bunting all the way along the seafront to remind visitors how great it is to be holidaying here,” she said, “but it’s got to be the plastic type – paper bunting would be turned to pulp in a rainstorm the second the first person leaves the Butlins gates”.
Kamil’s team at Middlesex predict that if all Brits stay in the UK for their holidays the reservoirs would refill within 10 days, and everyone would forget about economic misery as the Olympics would fill everyone with unrivalled happiness. “Don’t let people go to London, though,” stated Kamil, “that place will be a bombsite”.