The BBC have been accused of a lack of taste over plans to broadcast a commemorative edition of the Antiques Road Show featuring quality items pillaged from the Titanic. The corporation have sought permission from the Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port to create a Titanic-themed underwater studio using the shark tank and several tonnes of iceberg-shaped polystyrene.
The hour long special edition will feature Fiona Bruce in a figure-hugging wet-suit and producers have recalled veteran presenter Hugh Scully, who is to be kitted out in a snorkel and flippers. Although not a naturally gifted swimmer, Scully has received extensive instruction in ‘doggie-paddle’ and is able to hold his breath under water for up to two minutes, which experts believe is long enough to read the initials on a gold cigarette case in semi-darkness.
Relatives of those who perished in the water-based tragedy are to be invited on as guests, but are to respond to questions either by shouting pitifully or using a combination of flashlights and distress flares in order to simulate conditions on that fateful night.
BBC spokesman, Gerald Davies, said ‘This special Titanic commemorative edition is a great opportunity to reunite members of the public with the heavily-corroded precious items of people they have a vague connection with and to give them a flavour of the North Atlantic as it was back in April 1912 – salty and bloody freezing.’
‘And like the Titanic, we think it will go down really well with the public.’
In response to criticism that it was urinating on what is an already watery grave, the BBC have since axed a scene in which Bruce pretends to be startled by a decapitated head as it floats past a mocked-up porthole a la Jaws 1.
Meanwhile, last night experts claimed that many of the items looted from the ship are worth ‘fuck all’ and that the sanctity of the site, which is essentially an underwater museum, should be respected. Dr Ballard, who found the ship with a torch nearly 27 years ago, said that parts of the crows nest and a chandelier had already been sold at a car boot sale in Romsey and added: “You don’t finger the Mona Lisa when you go to the Louvre”.