Two well known politicians have died after falling at a major hurdle in the race to become Mayor of London. Conservative Skye Terrier Boris Johnson, and balding Labour bulldog, Ken Livingstone, were both put down after vets agreed it was the only humane course of action.
Leaving policies behind, the pair had resorted to directly insulting and accusing the other of anything that came to mind, eventually succumbing to terminal insufferableness whilst campaigning in Shepherd's Bush.
Livingstone suffered a fractured hairline, and Boris a fractured jaw, shortly after pointing it out. No sooner had the vet finished examining the wounded politicians than a passing hoodlum offered to put them down. Neither could continue with their dignity intact, and although both met the suggestion of euthanasia of the other with great ardor, euthanasia of the self had ‘serious short term disadvantages’. Against his better judgement, the vet agreed to give them a thirty second head start as Grand National punters averted their attention from the big race to offer odds on the first to fall.
Waddling away, Johnson made straight for the nearby Boris bike rack, only to find the last one being withdrawn by a tourist. Livingstone ran to a bus stop, but refused to board one of Boris' new routemasters in his escape attempt. Both fleeing back the way they had come, they collided head on at Brook Green, somewhat comically, before the young hoodlum withdrew a ‘surgical blade’. Ken loudly criticised Boris for failing to tackle knife crime with his last breath whilst Boris mumbled something about unpaid tax returns causing a police budget shortage. Even at the death, both remained insolent and puerile, defiant in their righteousness.
Although a trickle of concern over the welfare of campaigning politicians resulted from the incident, many have said the level of risk is, if anything, a little too low, and that candidates that can't last the trip may as well take up ‘major league Government’ where the prominence of the forehead takes precedence over policy promises in deciding the social hierarchy.