Pop philanthropist Bono has finally found a new cause to back, with no room for people to accuse him of hypocrisy. Drawing on his own reluctance to tinkle the ivory when there’s anyone within earshot, U2’s frontman has launched the ‘Number One Foundation’.
After facing a backlash for taking the piss with charity expenses, and another backlash for launching a campaign against tax avoidance by rich people such as himself, Bono has been so desperate to get the public off his back, he’s even considered ‘splashing out’ on an ethical accountant.
Fortunately for the UK’s favourite pop gypsy, things haven’t got that bad just yet. Instead, he’s launched a campaign that affects him ‘as much as the next man’, especially if the urinals are too close together.
“This is an issue that affects men right across the world”, announced Bono. “And it’s an issue that won’t go away just because you pretend he’s not there.” To highlight this burning issue, Bono is setting up a string of charity gigs which will be streamed globally, as long as no-one is looking.
Performing to arenas in the Seychelles, Andorra and Switzerland for no particular reason, Bono is urging men ‘to just go’, in both senses of the phrase. “If we all stand together, it probably won’t help much”, he declared. “But please, put your hands in your pockets and squeeze out anything you can spare.”
Bono insists that the most effective treatment is aversion therapy, and he’s keen to cram as many sufferers as possible into a typical festival toilet. “Alternatively, you can buy a pair of tinted blinkers which give the impression you’re not subject to scrutiny. I wear mine all the time, especially when I’m filling in my tax return.”
If the charity goes well, Bono will follow his action up with a Number Two Foundation. As he explained by video link from his offshore business premises, “ I’m just the man to raise awareness about people who are completely full of shit.”