Gordon Brown has criticised previous residents of Downing Street for their lack of foresight, noting that the carpets seemed to be nailed down, the screws in the curtain rails have rusted tight and the light fightings are hardly worth even taking. Nevertheless, he has repeated his earlier promise to remove them. 'I'm no quitter,' Brown shouted to reporters, through his letterbox.
'He would have been out of this dump earlier,' said spokesman Ed Balls, 'but he's having a nightmare getting his shit together. By rights, the DSS should be paying for this. But what can you expect under this new government, eh?'
There have been a number of problems, none of which were Brown's fault. He was shocked to find that, despite all the care he'd taken slowly chiselling around the fireplace, the marble surround collapsed as soon as it was taken from the walls. 'He could have got a fortune for that, on eBay,' said Balls. 'This just shows the problems Gordon inherited.'
Brown later emerged in a shell suit, to tell reporters. 'These politicians don't know nuffink. I've been waiting for a new house for ages, and the council has been useless. They should come down here and see what it's like for ordinary people,' he said.
However, aides are confident Brown will be able to claim for a replacement Downing Street, and a 24 hour security team, on benefits. 'It's not my fault. I can't get a job, because of me reputation,' he said.