There has been widespread consternation among football clubs up and down the country, following the news that trading standards officers have forced Chelsea FC to change their name to Fulham FC because they are actually based in the London Borough of Hammersmith & Fulham. Now a complete blitz of any potentially misleading details in team names is being promised.
'Fulham seem quite pleased at becoming The REAL Chelsea Actually Darling FC, but Arsenal and Crystal Palace will have to change as it could confuse consumers to have them named after long demolished buildings that were nowhere near their grounds anyway,' said Adrian Morris, head of trading standards under Mayor Boris Johnson.
'Tottenham are actually in Tottenham, but I'm afraid Hotspur will have to go too, as spurs are one of very few items of stolen goods not being sold on the Tottenham High Road right now. I also sent an officer a few days ago to tell Millwall they'll have to change as they're in Bermondsey, but until he regains consciousness in hospital I won't know how that went.'
Chaos is threatening to erupt as the principle is extended throughout the country. Manchester United have been advised they can only keep their name if 'In Hatred of Us' is appended to it, while Sheffield Wednesday can only do so if they agree not to play at weekends. Newcastle United, as a one-club city, can keep the 'United' but may have to change their name to 'Old Castle We're Too Pissed to Notice Anyway United'.
Not all clubs are opposed to the move, however. In Scotland, amateur club Brechin City are delighted at the prospect of becoming a feeder club to Liverpool under their new name of Brechin an' Enterin', while Queen of the South have cleared all their debts after renaming themselves Dumfries FC and selling the rights to their old name to Brighton.
'Social change can also make posh names misleading,' added Morris. 'So just to be on the safe side, we will probably advise Accrington Stanley and Crewe Alexandra to become Accrington Dwayne and Crewe Kylie-Storm. But Reading can keep their name, even though no-one there can read. Even trading standards officers appreciate irony you know.'
[Adapted from original by Jesse Bigg. Hat tips to Drylaw, Scronnyglonkle, Bonjonelson, RickH and Seymour Totti]