Well known Supreme Being, God, chose Easter Sunday to candidly reflect on his 10,000 year literary career. Noting the steady decline of Christian believers over the last century, God wondered if it was a possible error to write the Bible in the 3rd person. “after the debacle of the flood, a consultant advised me to soften my imagine – it was all ‘omnipotent this’, ‘omnipresent that’ and ‘omnivorous the next thing’. But with the benefit of hindsight (and foresight), using ‘He’ and ‘Him’ just made me appear more distant and encouraged outright disbelief. I should have just made it an autobiography.”
God also noted that the Bible was arguably internally consistent with his early short stone work, the 10 Commandments. “I went from the mandatory ‘thou shalt not this and that’ on the one hand, to then offer a free pass to anyone who routinely broke all 10 of them and at the last minute said ‘I believe’. I didn’t even require them to say ‘I know’”.
God pointed out he had made definite improvements in his later work, the Koran. “The language and general vibe was that much more direct – one could get all confused about ‘putting a needle through the eye of a camel and whatnot’ but ‘steal and you lose your hand’ and ‘don’t sleep around or you’ll be stoned’ demanded attention”. God also noted the improved marketing effort, “by making it a capital offence to diss the Koran, I ensured nothing but glowing reviews from the critics”.
God was less forthcoming about some of his more recent efforts, noting that his Jehovah Witness and Mormon works were part of an experimental direct marketing strategy, and the Origin of the Species book, written under the Charles Darwin pseudonym, was a spoof work.