Following days of round the clock news reporting on the worsening state of health of Gordon Brown’s tenure as leader of a once great nation, David Dimbleby announced yesterday that the premiership had finally died. Books of condolence have been opened around the country, and ranks of carefully placed cellophane-wrapped bouquets are accumulating on the steps of Labour clubs up and down the land.
As the prime ministerial cortege proceeded solemnly from Downing Street to the leadership’s final resting place in Kirkcaldy this morning, thousands of weeping citizens lined the route, throwing flowers at the cars.
It is understood the corpse will be subject to a thorough autopsy by members of the press over a period of several days, and will then lie in state for a further period before being buried by the next major story to come along.
Onlookers were shocked when, as the motorcade gathered speed on Finchley Road on its way north, a person identified only as ‘Mandy’ threw herself in front of the lead car, wailing that her life was no longer worth living. However, by doing so when the motorcade was still quarter of a mile away, she left plenty of time to be dragged away, and observers say it was probably a cry for help.
Mr Dimbleby said the occasion marked another break with the country’s stiff upper lipped past, when a premiership would simply die quickly and be taken away in a removal van as the new one came in the front door, and wondered if this was a sign of a sea change, whatever that might mean.
The Queen will be asked to asked to explain a breach of Royal Protocol the like of which has not been seen for years. Instead of flying the Union Flag at half mast, as has been agreed for such occasions, the Palace was festooned with bunting and shrieks of laugher were heard as those inside were reported to be gearing up for a massive celebration. Reports of sightings of Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg arriving at the door with bottles of champagne have been denied.