Is it too controversial to say that if pandas are that crap at reproducing then evolution dictates they should become extinct.
They failed to do the deed yesterday because her tail got in the way at the last second for god's sake!
Quick links: NewsBiscuit Home • Chat Room • Writers' Room • Top Ten
Pandas
(22 posts) (15 voices)
-
I don't think the pressure that they're under to perform is helping. It looks like they have been given a good kicking for not getting it right. You seen the black eyes on them?
I'll get my coat.
Posted 1 year ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMemberHard to manage it when there are loads of people watching, unless you are at a party and off your tits and don't realise that everyone's coats are on the bed and she's your mate's girlfriend, later to be his wife... but that was a very, very long time ago. Sorry, where was I?
Posted 1 year ago # -
waylandsmithy
offlineMemberPandas are omnivores, capable of eating high-energy animal carcasses. But being fussy little twats, they choose to eat bamboo shoots, and live in a permanent state of near-starvation.
They have to eat for 12 hours a day just to gain enough energy to process the food.
Pandas are excellent at climbing, but really shit at getting back down again. This coupled with their awful diet means they often starve to death at the tops of trees.
Also, when the particular bamboo species that they like fails on a regular cycle, they're too picky to eat anything else.
I saw a documentary once where a panda tore the leg off a dead deer and ate the bloody thing whole; hoof, bone, knee and everything. Then it was back to crappy bamboo.
We should wipe them out as a matter of principle.
Posted 1 year ago # -
The All New Jeni B
onlineMemberBut they're CYOOOOTT!!!
Posted 1 year ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMemberThere was something on the beeb site explaining the problem. As there is only a small window of opportunity, in the wild all the likely lads queue up and get all excited (I imagine they employ a "fluffer"). Testosterone levels are way up and the fittest gets to jump her. That's Darwin for you.
In captivity he just looks up from stuffing himself and thinks, "She's let herself go a bit".
I'm paraphrasing of course.The solution then is not to let them spend time together but to employ an army of people in panda suits telling Chi Chi that they are going to shag his bird.
Posted 1 year ago # -
shitsu_tonka
offlineMemberHas anyone seen a panda in real life? Maybe it's like a lot of great art, until you've actually gone nose-to-nose with it you can't appreciate the wonder.
Was going to have a jaunt to Scottish Land to see the black 'n' white beasties but for some reason it's cheaper to visit anywhere else up to and including the moon than have a tartan vacation.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Runestone Cowboy
offlineMemberI saw an aye-aye, that was on Jersey. Very awesome indeed, a model of incredible, highly specialised evolution.
I wouldn't piss on a panda if it was on fire.
Posted 1 year ago # -
cinquecento
offlineMemberShitsu - I saw several of them in real life in Chiang Mai zoo. Have to say they are gobsmackingly appealing and pretty much play up to stereotype to the extent that I did wonder whether they were Thai zoo assistants in panda costumes following a script. In either event I'd have happily shagged one from the pure joie de vivre they inspired in me.
Posted 1 year ago # -
beau-jolly
offlineMember
Yeh! Pandas rock!
Apparently aya-ayes shag for an hour while hanginig upside down. They could teach the panda a thing or two.
Posted 1 year ago # -
If there's a symbol of how environmentalists waste money, then keeping pandas from going extinct is certainly it. The reason why WWF has a panda on its symbol is because pandas are unfit to survive on their own, and their only hope is that they look cute.
There are plenty of animals that I am deeply sorry have gone extinct including the mammoth, the sabre-toothed tiger, the Tasmanian tiger, the marsupial lion, the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the dodo, the Great Auk and the Moa.
But not pandas. All we're doing is making pandas more dependent on us, until eventually the species can't survive in the wild on its own.
Posted 1 year ago # -
waylandsmithy
offlineMemberYou're right, JohnA. They're basically spongers. I think we ought to be getting a little more from them, it's not good enough to sit around all day, munching on hand-outs. They're basically a drain on our resources, I'm surprised the government hasn't forced them to stack shelves in Tescos.
I expect they've secretly had dozens of kids, but they've all been taken into care because the mother can't be arsed to look after them.
Fuck you, pandas. I see through your lies.
Posted 1 year ago # -
The All New Jeni B
onlineMemberIt's only a matter of time before the Daily Mail run a feature on how pandas are basically to blame for everything from immigration and cancer to falling house prices and the economy...
Posted 1 year ago # -
The All New Jeni B
onlineMemberAye, sales of deep-fried bamboo have soared.
Posted 1 year ago # -
waylandsmithy
offlineMemberPanda. And all the panda's family. Come the evolution, they'll be first against the wall.
Posted 1 year ago # -
Ironduke
offlineMemberIt just needs a little thought. Here are my suggestions:
1. Artificial insemination. Spawn millions of them and farm them either for their fur or for big game hunting. Until word got out that there was now a glut on the market, you could charge a huge premium to big game hunters and fashionistas. Once the exclusivity bubble burst, you could offload in bulk as high-end panda suits for children's entertainers.
2. If artifical insemination doesn't catch on, then cross a zebra with a dalmatian for an ersatz replacement
Posted 1 year ago # -
borednow
offlineMemberSurely the Chinese have one of those sex potions that could work, you know powdered panda penis or dried panda testicle, oh hang on, I've not thought that through have I?
Maybe it's that he's got a tiny cock or is gay. Maybe when a female panda says no the male panda respects the decision and goes to knock one out instead. I'm sure if google looked they'd have a search carried in the Edinburgh area for panda porn saved in their logs.Posted 1 year ago #
Reply
You must log in to post.