Keepers at Edinburgh zoo have resorted to radical measures in their quest to successfully breed the giant pandas Yang Guang and Tian Tian, having replaced the animals’ water supply with Buckfast in an attempt to “help nature along a little”.
Buckfast is commonly used in traditional Scottish mating rites, and the hope is that the pandas will respond similarly amorously with just a 36 hour window each year during which Tian Tian can conceive.
“We’ve done everything we can think of to put the animals in an environment favourable to copulation” said Malcolm Burridge, head of the zoo’s panda breeding programme. “We loaded them up with Buckfast, we’ve taken them down to the local Walkabout. We even had the DJ play Michael Jackson’s “Black or White”, which we know is a favourite”.
With throngs of young males and females performing courtships rituals around them, Burridge fears the pandas may have picked up some unhelpful local customs. “We thought it was going quite well at one point, as Yang Guang took Tian Tian outside to the alleyway behind the club and mounted her. It all looked promising, but at the crucial moment Yang pulled out and spunked on her tits.”
The ongoing saga has prompted a number of commentators to speak out on the subject, with Richard Dawkins claiming “the fact that there are any pandas left at all is an affront to Darwin”, while Russell Brand added that he would “give it a try if you want?”