A biometric researcher at the University of East Wessex has declared that the shape, size and structure of human buttocks can be as unique to an individual as their fingerprints or retina patterns.
"It's quite remarkable" said Dr Edward fellowes "but when you take into account physical dimensions, density, pliability and WQ - wobble quotient - the humble arse can be a versatile means of confirming identity. All those years of study and detailed inspection have been proved right"
Dr Fellowes, who claims to have had the 'eureka' moment courtesy of 'that middleton lass', has already created a prototype analyser , capable of sampling 20 different factors to create a unique representation of the backside.
"The user will be required to drop their keks and sit on the automated rump sensing equipment, which would then firmly, but gently, massage their buttcheeks whilst taking the necessary measurements. These would then be checked against a calibrated control to confirm identity. A successful match would then be dismissed by a friendly pat on the bottom"
Dr. Fellowes does admit that there are issues to be addressed concerning privacy, re-use, cleanliness and load-bearing capability, but firmly believes that PoS terminals, passports and identity cards could all benefit from application of this technology.
"Chip and pin is dead" enthused Dr. Fellowes " Identity theft is dead. It's going to
be a bit obvious if some one is wearing a false arse, and the equipment could be modified to restrain any would-be perpetrator in a state of lower undress, pending arrival of the authorities"
When questioned the passport control agency were non-committal, although privately confided that the job was crap enough anyway without having to stare at a never-ending stream of jet-lagged flabby sweaty-arses, morning, noon and night.
A spokesman for the high street banks commented that the a buttock recognition system would be considered "expensive, demeaning, distressing and inconvenient by our customers". A pilot scheme is already being discussed for the North-East some time in 2015.
However, the University has been quick to distance themselves from this research, indicating that Dr. Fellowes is currently on gardening leave, pending investigation into several allegations of sexual harassment from both staff and students.
"Harassment - bollocks !" retorted Dr. Fellowes, "It was just research, pure and simple"