Andy Burnham explains why he hates being Mayor
Andy Burnham resigned in 2017 as MP for Leigh, a constituency of 77,000, in order to be elected as Mayor of Manchester. His reasons were a) that he hated being an opposition MP where he couldn’t do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency was going to be abolished, which it duly was, in 2024. Good call, Andy. Andy was elected Mayor of Manchester in 2017, and re-elected in 2021, and elected for a third time in May 2024, shortly before the General Election th
ICE hoping to kill a paediatric oncologist next
Following the gunning-down of Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse, in Minneapolis ICE has expressed ‘deep regret’ that he was ‘only’ a nurse. ‘Obviously we want to kill really nice people’, a spokesman said. ‘If we just kill criminals or, I dunno, blacks, it won’t have the same shock value. We really want to see some paediatric oncologists protesting, or maybe a Catholic nun? A nun might do it’. In the hierarchy of ‘audience members stand-up comedians are most wary of’, paediatric onco
French and British forces seize snake oil tanker Board of Peace
French armed forces, aided by the Royal Navy, have captured the snake oil tanker Board of Peace while it was sinking in the mid-Atlantic. "The Board of Peace had been sailing under a false flag," explained Jacques Croissant, captain of the frigate Grenouille "It had been registered by the US president as an organisation to rebuild Gaza but was secretly designed to replace the United Nations. "Monsieur Trump had managed to sign up the leaders of the world's most vile dictators
Cockney MP leads Lambeth walk in Parliament
Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons. Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys. The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out th
Trump thwarted in his attempt to end a ninth war
Another day and another mind bogglingly extraordinary claim as Donald Trump tells the world he was snubbed at yesterdays leaders' meeting in Switzerland. Speaking to reporters he said, 'I travelled all the way from the US to meet this Davros guy. I wanted do a deal with him to end the longstanding war between the Dalek Empire and Earth as my ninth great success. You know, I've ended eight wars already. They said, Mister Trump. No, no. no. It can't be done. But I did it. All e
Trump to cap the price of eggs
The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs. After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues. The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials. This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled. The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make eg
World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland
Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead. 'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White Hou
Trump immediately awarded all Nobel prizes
President Donald Trump has been awarded all of the Nobel Prizes on offer following his 2 hour press conference on Monday celebrating one year in office. The Nobel Committee admitted they were left with little choice after hearing Trump run through all of his achievements whist in office. 'Wow, I mean just wow!', said Hans Down, a member of the Nobel committee. 'I literally had no idea about the sheer amount of good stuff that President Trump had done. I mean, talk about hid
"But you're already king of Greenland," Denmark tells Trump
"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland." With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background. "I'm really a king?" asked Trump, h
Robert Jenrick Blames Country's Problems on Robert Jenrick
New Reform MP Robert Jenrick has unveiled his party's vision for the UK, blaming issues with migration, energy costs, low police numbers, the NHS, and taxes on Robert Jenrick. "Let me be clear," the MP for Newark and anagrams said in a speech, "uncontrolled mass migration and the flood of arrivals by boat is totally the fault of the former Conservative immigration minister Robert Jenrick, who is absolutely not the Robert Jenrick you see before you right now. The housing of mi
