The world of alternative medicine took a major leap forward today, as scientists announced they had successfully created an artificial tiger's cock in their laboratories.
Ground up and ingested by infirm men with more money than trouser-tents, the tiger's cock has been regarded as a powerful aphrodisiac amongst the superstitious elite for centuries.
Huang Lee led the team of alternative microbiologists who made the breakthrough. "It goes without saying that the penis of a powerful, fearsome predator has medicinal properties that we don't fully understand", explained Lee. "But harvesting tiger cocks can often be problematic."
Slow-growing, camouflaged and attached to 500-pound killing machines, tiger cocks are notoriously difficult to get hold of. Dwindling crops and a reluctance to be torn limb-from-limb have lead many farmers to turn to alternative incomes, such as panda lips, gibbon cheeks or dried-up baby seahorses.
"We knew modern science could work in harmony with traditional therapies", announced Lee. "And this synthetic stripy cat johnson shows how far we've come."
Eschewing stem-cells, genetic splicing and artificial tissue production, Lee's team instead took an alternative approach. "Using the principles of Chinese medicine, we looked for something a bit like the thing we wanted to solve. That's why we eventually drew veins on a carrot, using biro."
The technology is in its infancy, but Lee hopes to soon complete the rigorous clinical trials associated with fabricated cures. “We’ve registered ‘Tiagra’ as a trade-name, and drawn a rampant big cat on the label, winking and pointing knowingly at his crotch”, demonstrated Lee. “Now we just need to see if it performs as expected.”
Early signs are hinting at a swell in the company's coffers. "I've sold a box to a wealthy industrialist who is soft in both heads", declared Lee. "We just need to wait and see if he's too embarrassed to ask for his $12,000 back."
