A 27 year-old nuclear physicist who unexpectedly developed superpowers after a lab accident has attracted widespread criticism after refusing to use his powers to fight crime and right wrongs. John Speedman, from Edinburgh, received a massive dose of radiation after a safety mechanism failed.
But rather than the slow, agonising death doctors had expected, his body fed off the radiation in a most unscientific way. “It was like something out of a comic book”, claimed Speedman from his secret lair at his mum’s house. “Except I can’t wear lycra, I’m allergic. It brings me out in itchy blotches.”
Given such a small chance of surviving, Speedman is ‘glad to be alive’ and has vowed not to use his powers if he can possibly avoid it. “I’m extremely grateful to the medical team’, said an emotional Mr Speedman, ‘and I’m not going to throw away all their good work by seeking out dangerous criminals. I might be lightning-fast, enormously strong and pretty much invincible, but why risk it? I don’t need the hassle to be honest.”
So far, the public have only seen a small glimpse of Speedman’s massive array of awesome powers. But he’s only displayed them to save his own skin. During an armed raid on his local post office, the cashier had hoped Speedman had turned invisible so he could slip out, change into his superhero costume and save the day. But instead, Speedman cowered in the stockroom for nearly three hours, before sneaking out with a handful of stolen KitKats and some hay-fever tablets.
David Strang, Chief Constable of Lothian and Borders Police, is equally unimpressed, ‘The very least we would expect in this situation is for Mr Speedman to become something of a recluse, while secretly waging a one man war on the city’s criminals. A war which gets results despite constantly putting him at odds with our officers due to the indefensible vigilante nature of his actions.”
“Instead he works hard at a job that many people would consider quite boring and always goes to bed early, instead of hanging around on other people’s rooftops. It’s almost as if he goes out of his way to avoid convoluted plots to entrap and then kill him. How's that a role-model for the 'kids'? He disgusts me.”