Following an investigation by The Telegraph, Eric Pickles has admitted that the Conservative party has been spread betting on the state of the parties in the opinion polls to raise party funds. "Kitchen suppers simply weren't enough" said Pickles, "what we needed was a reliable way to raise large sums of money without having to listen to the tiresome prejudices of self important rich people. Spread betting on opinion polls seemed the ideal solution, especially as carefully timed 'bad news' or feigned incompetence could be used to manipulate the market to our profit"
"The problem" said Pickles, "was with the competitive nature of status seeking individuals like cabinet ministers. The money was steadily coming in when Osbourne raised a cool million by manipulating the market with his granny and pasty tax. The Cameron/Cruddas tag team had to go one better, outing themselves over dinners for donors then Maude went over the wire creating a fuel crisis over nothing."
"It has got a bit out of hand and made us look amateur and incompetent" admitted Pickles, "we will need a really slick well funded election campaign to get ourselves out of this mess. Fortunately we have some new innovative ways to raise money, Dave and George have checked them for pitfalls and political banana skins and declared them good to go!"