An expert in making people worry about dying believes they’ve found a new weapon to combat one of Britain’s most popular killers. By concentrating a bit harder on becoming a member of the canine family, the public could avoid stress altogether, according to her report.
“Modern life gives people far too many things to worry about”, claims Dr Nigella Gresley. “But it may already be too late for some of us to go back and do things differently.”
By evolving into multi-celled organisms, eventually adopting the class ‘Mammalia’ and going on to develop self-awareness and a fear of looking a bit fat in a cocktail dress, humans have a lot of ground to make up if they’re to devolve back to dog levels of insane, care-free frivolity.
“I tried attaching our state-of-the-art stress monitoring equipment to a beagle”, explained Gresley. “Unfortunately, it tried to fight it, mate with it and then bury it in the garden.” This behaviour is a ‘coping mechanism’ according to the scientist. “And it works: ‘Jimbo never cries himself to sleep or clenches his paws in frustrated rage”, said Gresley. “Even if the neighbours garden is a disgrace, or he thinks his owner’s husband might be having an affair.”
Gresley has other evidence that being a member of the Family Canidae is better for you, having spent many evenings at home, with nothing for company other than a pair of spaniels. “They’re just as capable of polishing off a whole tub of ice-cream while they watch Bridget Jones”, she theorised, “but in the morning they don’t seem to exhibit any symptoms at all of self-loathing, regret or checking Mike’s text messages and voicemail.”
Gresley believes more research is needed into how being a completely different species might improve people’s lives, especially if they can’t face another messy divorce. “There’s a lot to be said for throwing yourself into working with animals, particularly when you work out how much time you’ve wasted with a selfish pig, in dog years”, she opined.
“I’m also researching whether evolving amongst the Class of ‘Cartilaginous Fish' would have meant I wouldn’t have started smoking again”, claimed Gresley. “But I can’t work out if they actually want a cigarette, but are ignoring me because I've let myself go a bit.”
The 'easily a 6 or a 7, surely' doctor has sworn to lose a few pounds and get her hair done before repeating the experiment. “I'm worried that it's not them, it's me”, she admitted. “Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea.”