A think-tank investigating the repercussions of the Queen’s demise have made the harrowing realisation that no one would touch money with Prince Charles’ face on. The announcement led to a worldwide ‘Of course!’ exclamation followed by panicked selling of the pound rendering it completely worthless before the three-minute statement had finished.
‘At first we considered the obvious implications of the Queen’s death’ explained a think-tank spokesman. ‘We focused on embarrassing Diana-like public outpourings of emotion, vacuous insincere sound bites from politicians, and grossly expensive fountains that simultaneously double as public death traps. But when someone pointed out that Prince Charles’ face would go on the money a deathly shudder rippled around the room. I began to feel nauseous. One lady began to cry. The implications were obvious: no-one would touch such a ghastly abomination’.
David Cameron’s attempts to reassure markets by highlighting that in order to fit in his ears his face would need to be shrunk so small as to be hardly recognisable did little to alleviate concerns, and it’s now feared the complete annihilation of the economy may have undermined the governments ability to deal with the deficit.
The situation became too much for autonomous robot chancellor George Osborne who released a statement consisting of a high-pitched whirring noise, a metallic crunching and a loud bang, followed by the emission of blue smoke before the lights of his red eyes faded to nothing.
French President Sarkozy offered a sympathetic statement which consisted of forty-five minutes of uninterrupted laughter while Prince Charles has reportedly released a statement to his rhododendrons. It’s thought Ed Miliband probably also made some kind of statement but, as is customary, was summarily ignored.
Studies involving mock coins with Charles’ face placed in rat cages found that they initially sniffed the air inquisitively but after getting close emitted an audible shriek of terror before suffering massive coronary failure. Scientists applied to the BMA to start human trials but the request was rejected as ‘inhumane’.
‘Furthermore we attempted to use the coins in the vending machine in the hallway. Not only were they rejected but the machine vehemently spat them out in a repulsed, insulted manner’.
The think-tank finished by predicting that the UK will return to a bartering system. ‘Returning to a system of bartering will be a massive step backwards for everyone’ they said. ‘Except of course for people in Norfolk for whom it will be a massive leap forward’.