A new report released by Network Rail identifies the recent spate of cable thefts as being caused by elderly offender watchers leaving scraps of metal out for thieves.
The 300 page report describes the old ladies as encouraging the metal thieves to come to the areas by putting bits of copper outside their back door at the end of each day, getting them hooked on the delicacy.
South West trains have been heavily affected by the thefts, which bring misery to tens of thousands of commuters on each occurrence. “We’re at our wits end,” said a company representative, “we tried dumping old trains in ditches out in the countryside to draw the criminals away from the cities, but they’ve developed a taste for fresh cables now and not even a piece of the Orient Express could get them to leave them alone”.
The rising cost of copper has made overhead rail cabling a particularly desirable item for gangs and opportunist thieves, who – according to the report – had never encountered scrap metal until it was provided for them on little dishes outside bungalows.
“The truth of it is, little old ladies are the reason behind all these cable thefts,” stated David Richmond from the police team behind catching the criminals. “We want to remind grannies that thieves are pests, not pets. When they leave out scraps they’re attracting pikeys to the area like pigeons to breadcrumbs.”