The hearts of the nation have been touched by the tweets of a media mogul, which reveal a softer side to an empire-building megalomaniac.
Rupert Murdoch has preferred to stay in the shadows in the past, shyly controlling his empire remotely, as he feasts on the blood of young virgins. But thanks to Twitter, people can finally catch a glimpse of the real man behind all the claims of corruption, bribery, theft, criminality and undiluted Australianism.
“I used to think Murdoch was a bit mean”, claimed Doris Hampstead of Gosport. “But I hadn’t realised how hard it is, to be a soulless, money-obsessed monster.” After hearing how ‘right-wing toffs’ had bullied Murdoch by uncovering some of his murky secrets, Hampstead immediately offered her unswerving support for the man, by signing up to a 12-month deal on a Sky TV package.
“It’s the least I could do, what with him being a pensioner and everything”, explained Hampstead. “But it sickened me to hear that an old man thought he was being treated in this way.” Despite mounting evidence pointing at an empire that relied heavily on dubious practices, Hampstead thinks it’s important to remind people that Murdoch is still someone’s sugar daddy.
Twitter has been instrumental in changing the image of many of the more famous hateful despots, from Noel Edmonds to someone pretending to be Hitler. “It’s easy to judge people when all you know about them is who they are, and what they’ve done”, complained Hampstead.
“But when I read that Murdoch has nothing to protect him other than a team of ruthless lawyers and some ominous threats of revenge, I just wanted to smother the little fella.”