David Cameron has fought back against claims he’s out of touch with the common man, by insisting his most recent 'parsty' was ‘delicious, and packed full of nutritious swan meat’.
Cameron was a little vague about the location of the parsty collector who sourced the item for him, but he’s sure it was somewhere quite gritty and real, such as The North, a blacksmith's or a bus stop.
“It was probably on the platform of Coronation Street station, somewhere cobbled, or a colliery-themed restaurant”, he insisted. “I do recall wearing clogs and carrying a pig under my arm. And moaning to the vendor about all me flippin' rickets."
The PM is no stranger to eating common food like the rest of us, and he can remember ordering his parsty 'with mushing peas, a basic jus and a glass of modest claret'. "I sat with some bloody nice urchins, while we waited for the butler to carve", he went on. "I remember being told to blow on it, as it dropped the price by about a fifth."
Cameron insists that it's unfair to suggest that he's unfamiliar with a leathery old bag filled with carrots. "but I’d rather not discuss Rebekah’s horse again at the moment”, complained the country’s premier.
An emergency COBRA meeting has been called to allow the cabinet to familiarise themselves with the ways of meat-filled pastries, although Gregg’s struggled to provide staff experienced in silver service.
“Taxing a popular ‘amuse bouche’ is obviously a sensitive subject to those who can’t wait for them to cool down before they eat them”, admitted Cameron. “And as soon as the assorted pastries arrive, we’ll explore the issues with some gentleman's relish, and a right ol' mug of Rosie Lee.”
The mountain of sausage rolls, steak slices and Jamaican patties was devoured quickly by MPs, keen to display to the public their working class credentials. Eric Pickles was the only person present to deny eating all the pies.