The guardian newspaper, which now supports the Liberal Democrats, and the long standing Tory-supporting Telegraph Group have had preliminary talks on a possible merger, it has emerged. Looking to be the progressive media outlet of choice for the majority of the country, both are now thought to be seeking an efficient vehicle which will retain the confidence of the crucial newsagent market.
‘There was clearly a sticking point to any successful union between the two, and we never thought we could work with the leadership of the Telegraph, but Will Lewis has left, so that’s all hunky dory now,’ said a spokesman for the Guardian, ‘so we have entered into constructive dialogue to bring the strengths of each publication to the fore and produce a quality paper that the public can have full confidence in.’
While promising to continue the Telegraph policy of providing tits and bums for the middle class, the ‘Guardigraph’ as it will be known will also now focus more on features and sketches railing against appalling injustice ‘And we could see that played out in front of our eyes if a full merger between Quentin Letts and Jackie Ashley goes ahead as planned,’ he added, ‘although perhaps it’s too early to speculate on that.’
So the changes will be largely cosmetic with each article merged to provide a balanced and fair commentary on most aspects of news, although a small column on the inside back page will still be allowed to be pro-hunting while another will rail against any sort of nuclear deterrent. ‘Of course they’ll be written in tiny type and separated by a huge advert for Boden, so hopefully no-one will notice,’ said the spokesman.
Other changes are thought to include a revision to the characters’ expression in Matt cartoons which hasn’t changed for fifteen years to make them appear more pained and thoughtful with extensive use of spectacles, in the hope that some older Guardian readers might now actually get the joke.
But the biggest bust-up appears to be in the crossword department where the fastidious compiler from the Telegraph is up in arms that the traditional equivalent in the Guardian allows any combination of letter in whatever order to produce an ‘inferred’ correct answer. ‘That could hold things up for weeks,’ said everyone, ruefully.