Scientists claim they have managed to pinpoint the exact moment that middle age begins - simply by measuring reaction to a humble Kleeneze catalogue.
"It's astonishingly accurate," explains Professor B. Offin. "We tested 100 volunteers by putting them in a room with kitchen facilities and a letterbox and posting a Kleeneze catalogue through the door. The participants who glanced at the catalogue and put it down again are fine, healthy members of society who are able to hold down jobs, go to the pub at the weekend and enjoy playing sport. The remainder were all compelled to put the kettle on and sit down to enjoy the catalogue at their leisure. These folk are officially over the hill, should take up golf immediately and should on no account ever dance in public again."
A spokesperson from Kleeneze pointed out that the new Spider-catcher gadget is now available at £5.99.