Football crowds round the country will be recruited by the new Power of Prayer movement to stop the hearts of unpopular public figures. But football fans who like Jeremy Clarkson have both threatened intense counterpraying in order to minimise damage to the vital organs of Top Gear's outspoken front man. And Michael Gove, who recently started a revival in scriptural learning has, according to those close to him, built what he calls a "bible igloo" in which to hide during Saturday's prayer attack.
Norwich City fans have reportedly used the Power of Prayer to persuade the team's favourite board member Delia Smith to provide thousands of free luxury packed lunches for fans attending the away game at Fulham at the end of the month. And a spokesman for Anne Robinson played down claims that the popular TV presenter is experimenting with self harm. Eric Pickles has been unavailable for comment for three days, but a spokesperson said "he is probably taking a well-earned break."