After extensive talks with the two major parties aimed at finding common ground for a political alliance, Nick Clegg has hinted that he will accept the package offered by the Conservatives.
‘I told David his original offer of a carriage clock and a fountain pen for each of my MPs was derisory,’ said Clegg. ‘But when he made a call to a mate and said he could do a weekend for two at Champneys, I could see we were on the brink of an historic deal. Especially as Odious Opik and his latest bit of skirt wouldn’t be there to spoil it.
‘I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster of a journey these past few weeks, and I deserve some “me time” to unwind, as does Miriam.’ Mr Clegg added that the additional offer of a £100 Waitrose voucher made it a no-brainer.
Gordon Brown expressed disappointment that his offer of an iPad each and 10% off at Greggs for the term of the parliament had not been enough, although he conceded that having all communications through the iPad monitored by Lord Mandelson was a negative which was not fully offset by the 100 free apps including Uncle Joe’s Top Five Year Plans and Gordon’s Guide to Biscuits.
Clegg says he was almost tempted by Labour’s offer of five new taxes and a full raft of 50 petty regulations, but he wasn’t to be swayed by such fleeting indulgencies.
As for Trident, Mr Clegg says that it is not the kind issue over which to fall out, and anyway David needs his toys to keep him calm. But what about proportional representation? ‘No way,’ said Clegg. ‘I chose the free gift without reference to my colleagues, and they can like it or lump it. This is my first taste of real power, after all, and I intend to make the most of it.’