The coalition government have announced that state pensions will no longer be linked to earnings but will instead follow the street-pop fortunes of the band N*Dubz as played out in their placings each week on the UK top 40.
The move has been seen by many as a way of reducing the burden on the taxpayer, steadying Britain's AAA credit rating, and attracting the key 13 year old girl demography to start investing in pension funds.
N*Dubz lead singer Dappy confessed that he felt "significantly more confused than normal" over the shock announcement but promised to "Big up all the Nans and Grandads, keep it street, and try and help out the old folk". The band are no stranger to assisting the elderly; Dappy's latest single featured Brian May, whilst Tulisa has recently spent many hours helping a 63 year old man save his sagging media career.
Treasury spokesman Danny Alexander said that whilst "we at the treasury have some, or possible all, issues to iron out - to be honest none of us yet comprehend exactly how this whole thing will work - but we are confident that this is the best possible deal for UK pensioners. and if it's not, then hey, blame N*Dubz"