Following the announcement of the suspension of the Sunday Trading laws by the Chancellor George Osborne, Home Secretary Theresa May is set to announce the suspension of the assisted suicide laws. In a statement the Home Office has said that it fully understands that many people are heartily sick of the Olympic games and of Lord Coe in particular and is aware that many may wish to take the exit path.
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams has given his broad approval provided that adequate safeguards are put in place, he has been known for some time to favour an easy exit for those sick of Lord Coe, but has added that any change must be Olympic related, being sick of Nadine Dorries on its own for example is simply not enough although counselling will continue to be available.
The Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has announced that assisted suicide would be available on the NHS but was keen also to involve the private sector and alternative medicine alongside conventional treatments. In a statement to GPs last week he expressed his concern at the rising costs to the NHS for the treatment of what is being described as Lord Coe sickness or Lo-Co as doctors are already calling it.
The Society of Homeopaths, flushed with the success of their assisted suicide program in Banbury, have stated that they also have a cure for Lo-Co using what is now labeled as Ho-Lo-Co. In a detailed statement a representative said that Ho-Lo-Co was in fact a 10C dilution of some piss obtained from Coe when he was tested for Horlicks after the 1980 Olympics, a method central to the tenets of homeopathy, and with a 100% success rate.
No one from al-Qaeda was available for comment but a message on their answering machine instructed callers to leave their address and waist measurement and it would be dealt with in as soon as possible.
Owing to the fact that the Pope has not yet made a pronouncement on the subject, Cardinal Keith O’Brien, head of the Roman Catholic Church in Scotland, was unable to comment on the matter and Vincent Nichols, head of the Roman Catholic Church in England, has sent a blank piece of paper to be read from all the pulpits in England and Wales. This has left thousands of catholics feeling distraught as they are unable to hold any opinion on the matter until the Pope speaks.