Prominent national saint and self appointed first bishop of Ireland, Saint Patrick, is believed to be in police custody this evening after police swooped on a large parade in Dublin city centre this morning. Eye-witnesses reported that an elderly, grey-bearded man leading the parade, who was dressed in a green gown and carrying a staff, was taken away by a number of armed police.
The arrest is believed to stem from allegations of clerical sex abuse against the Saint by Cormac Mac Muircheartaigh in 432 AD, when Saint Patrick was carrying out missionary work in the Dublin area, although he disappeared to France shortly after the allegations were made.
Reports suggest that, as he was being led away, his beard appeared to be removed by police and experts are suggesting that Saint Patrick may have been a registered sex offender trying to disguise his identity.
Saint Patrick, whose status as Saint may now be in jeopardy, has been a loved and celebrated character in Ireland for many years but today his reputation lay in tatters. The Catholic Church was quick to condemn his actions. "These allegations, if true, are absolutely reprehensible," said Cardinal O' Ceallaigh, head of the Catholic Church in Ireland. "But, if you check, you'll see that his main shrine is actually at a Protestant Church, so it's nothing to do with us. Them dirty Prods can keep him." There was a similar reaction from Archbishop McMurray, head of the Protestant Church of Ireland. "Typical", he said. "What else would you expect from a fucking Fenian?"
Police have not yet issued a formal statement on the matter but have confirmed that a 1,580 year old man is helping them with their enquiries.