A Crowd Control Supervisor at a nightclub in Leeds has been suspended from duty until further notice after regulars queuing at the city centre night spot complained that one of the man’s cauliflower ears was in fact false.
Clubbers alleged that at least one of the man’s ears appeared to have been created from some sort of pliable manmade material, quite possibly a quality pudding mix or modelling compound from a child's play-doh set although others suggested it looked as though it could have been hastily turned on a wood cutter’s lathe.
The club goers, who are used to seeing their supervisors in Leeds with horribly mashed up authentic ears, were visibly upset.
‘At no time during the night was I was convinced the cauliflower ear was for real’ said Josh Forden a clubber who has been attending the venue for over 4 years ‘and it wasn’t just me.
There were some guys arguing with him, trying to get in but you could tell their hearts weren’t in it.
They kept losing the thread of their argument, stopping every now and again to look at his ear. You could tell they weren’t comfortable having a man with a plastic ear grabbing them by the throat and threatening to punch their lights out. No punter is going to shit themselves senseless if they think the bouncer keeps his ears in a jar’.
The man has since been reported to the Security Industry Authority by management at the club and was immediately sent home on full pay pending further investigations from watchdog supervisors. If the allegations are proved to be true, the man could spend up to 6 months on suspension from the club or even be struck off from the Approved Contractor Scheme altogether.
‘We take this sort of thing very seriously’ said a spokesperson for the SIA ‘there are strict guidelines for security controllers to adhere to and the wearing of a pretend cauliflower ear is in serious breach of industry regulations. The SIA was set up in 2003 to stamp out this sort of practice and although in general we have been successful in eliminating this type of abuse, there will always be a rogue cauliflower ear wearer that slips through the net.
At first glance the man appears to be everything you would expect in a control supervisor, from the pimply shaven head, to the tattooed knuckles, the simmering malevolence, steroid enhanced pecs going to seed, the barely concealed loathing and contempt for the customers. But a cursory glance by even the most inebriated of clubbers was enough to tell you something was not quite right with this man’s ears.
We will give the man every opportunity to get a real cauliflower ear over the next few months and our door is always open if he needs help.
We have a list of professional people and organisations on our books that will be only too willing to give the man a cauliflower ear and he should be thinking seriously of contacting them’.
But despite the assurance of supervised professional help from the SAI there are genuine concerns that the man will instead, simply use his experience of dealing with clubbers in the Leeds area and just slam his head repeatedly in a car door for several hours.
‘We don’t really advocate self harm, but yes I guess that would do’ said the spokesperson ‘oh, and he might want to think about the Laura Ashley sling backs he’s always wearing to work. They’re not really helping much either’.
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Entertainment Communications Supervisor in prosthetic ear row
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Earl Van Dyke
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