Following the resignation of Rowan Williams to take up the post of headmaster at Hogwarts, the actor and adventurer Brian Blessed has been appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.
The surprise move has been welcomed by fundamentalist Anglicans.
“It’s time for us Christians to start kicking some shit around the world again,” announced Tom Becket, a 52 year old former dock worker, celebrating outside Liverpool Cathedral.
“I’m sick of pussy footing around these Muslims,” he continued, lighting a pile of what can only be described as “religious books”.
“My misses got sacked for wearing a cross, by a line manager dressed in a burka. The world’s gone mad!”
Meanwhile in Canterbury, Blessed was being measured for a Knights Templar tabard and uniform.
"This is a great honour for the Church of England" he bellowed.
"This is an historic role, this is my destiny, following as it does, hot on the heels of my recent success as Prince Vultan in “Flash Gordon” in 1980” he continued, admiring his greatsword.
“I call upon all Christians to join with me in this Crusade. If Cameron can’t sort out all those camel jockeys in Syria and Iran, then leave it to me.”
Blessed dismissed concerns that the Church of England’s new radical interventionist policy may prove divisive.
" I've had a word with the Pope and he’s up for it. Nothing wrong with foreign adventure in stylish uniforms he says. We are united,” he exclaimed.
“Apart from the kiddie fiddling thing of course. Dirty bastards”