Details are emerging for Apple's much-anticipated iPad 3, which promises to fundamentally change the way people think about their iPad 2.
With record pre-orders from people who don't care what it can do or how much it costs, the actual specification is largely unimportant.
But key to showing off to strangers in public places is a new 'I've got an iPad 3' t-shirt, complemented by an 'iPad 3 Owner' mug for the office.
"Once again, Apple have cut through all the technical mumbo-jumbo, and are giving the consumer exactly what they want", exclaimed Charles Fey of Shallow Computers Monthly.
"Not only do you get a t-shirt and mug, but there's a new 'start-up' jingle too”, Fey went on. “It's Brian Blessed yelling 'I've got an iPad 3!’ at the top of his lungs, nine times in quick succession."
Tests on a prototype have proved decisive, with Blessed’s voice being heard clearly in the next rail carriage. "It's a much better feature than USB 2.0, a decent warranty or a keyboard", insisted Fey. “For most Apple fans, it’s something they just won’t be able to live without.”
Apple take accessibility very seriously, and iPad 3 has some innovations that will appeal to people who are partially sighted, or hard of hearing. "The enormous, brightly lit headphones that are supplied with the tablet emit a strong smell of raw liver. If you can't hear or see someone's iPad 3, it should still be able to make you retch. It's an important advance in the field of showing off to the disabled."
To distinguish iPad 3 owners from regular iPad owners. When you send an email the smug message at the bottom will read 'sent from my iPad 3', instead of just 'sent from my iPad'. And there's another first for Apple in this competitive sector, with the screen now featuring a tough, non-slip coating. "That's important to users who occasionally need to carry out real computing tasks, such as typing a letter, or colouring in a spreadsheet", explained Fey.
"It means it can be used as a mouse mat."