Violence erupted in the sleepy backwater of Trumpton last night following the announcement that the Fire Station would be closed and services provided by Fireman Sam Plc from CBBC. Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub are being offered new terms of pay and conditions if they move stations, but Captain Flack will have to take early retirement. This seems to have been the straw that broke the camel’s back in the eyes of many residents that have suffered the steady ruination of their country idyll over the last decade.
In early clashes between rioters and the police, the bandstand was overturned and Mr Crockett’s garage set ablaze amongst scenes of general destruction and anarchy across Trumptonshire. While manning a barricade Brackett spoke to us about the people’s anger ‘I’d been in the employment as butler and footplate man to Lord Belbough for sixty years, man and boy, but up comes an offer from Marriott to turn Winkstead Hall into a fancy country hotel and golf course and I’m out on my arse without a by your leave. Look, here he comes, in his top hat, all la-di-dar, looking like the Archduke Ferdinand.’ He then shouted ‘Death to landed classes, property is theft.’
The town’s social infrastructure has collapsed in waves of recent reforms and Dr Mopp is currently on strike over the latest NHS changes. Local industry has also been hit as the Chigley biscuit factory, which for decades has been the largest local employer, is closing down next month after being bought out by Kraft who moved production of Trumpton Crunchies to Poland. The old buildings are being lost too, Colly’s Mill was part way through conversion into a set of luxury flats when the housing bubble burst, bankrupting Windy Miller and leaving the mill as a derelict eyesore on the edge of town. Camberwick Green railway station was lost as well after Bessie the engine was stolen for her scrap metal value and has now been demolished to make way for a new Tesco superstore.
Captain Snort and the boys from Pipin Fort have been trying to restore order, but are struggling due to recent casualties in Afghanistan. During a pitched battle for control of the town square, local anarchist Mrs Cobbit summed up the true feelings of the residents. ‘It’s disgraceful that the mayor should still have a chauffer driven car given all the sacrifices that other people are having to make.’
She then threw a petrol bomb at PC McGarry (number 452). ‘Got him, take that you fascist bastard. I think we could cope with the modernisation of our precious town and perfect society if it wasn’t for the fact that there are rumours of a coloured family moving in during the next series.’
Hat tip to Half-man Half-biscuit
