The UK is to scrap its Border Agency and Border Patrol in an effort to save cash. Taking advantage of the nation's island status, the English Channel is to be renamed The Moat. A drawbridge and portcullis is to be built at the mouth of the Channel Tunnel. Similar drawbridges will be installed at airport arrivals terminals. Arriving passengers will run a gauntlet of rotten food flung by airport staff. Boiling water and burning oil will be on standby for busy days.
Should the Scots decide to go their own way, the security of Hadrian's Wall is to be stepped up by extending it into the sea to stop people paddling round the end, an official lied.