Members of the undead community may be forced to retake driving tests after complaints that they drive too slowly and cause major tailbacks, sources have revealed. The recommendation comes as new figures show that as many as six million zombies are now clogging up the country’s roads, compared with less than a million 35 years ago.
The sheer number of flesh-eating ghouls behind the wheel means that a national strategy is needed to make sure that they are not a danger to themselves or the living. Concerns have been raised that many of the ‘driving dead’ suffer from extremely poor health and limbs which are prone to fall off could seriously impair their ability to perform a three point turn. Experts point out that those condemned to reverse around a corner for eternity tend to pull over without warning to feed on accident victims and/or brains.
Figures released this week show that reanimated corpses pose an even greater road hazard than Chris Huhne and a serious number risk injury or being killed all over again. The report called ‘It's My Choice To Drive Like An Undead Prick’ by the Parliamentary Advisory Council for Transport Safety (PACTS) also drew the distinction between road users who were at risk and who posed a risk to others and found that those with an insatiable thirst for the blood of the living tended to be in the second group.
It also found that 80 per cent of current zombies hold valid licences and will continue to execute a hill-start long after having their heads chopped off by a human assailant on some heroic but ultimately doomed attempt to save all mankind. The Undead, meanwhile, have kicked up a stink, slamming the report as discriminatory. 196 year-old zombie Malcolm Schofield, who is unhappy with the term ‘coffin-dodger’, said ‘I turned up at my local theory test centre at the allocated time, but when I got there everyone began screaming and barricading themselves in. Schofield added ‘Brains! ..brains! .. brains! ...’
PACTS executive director Robert Gifford responded,
‘We absolutely take Mr Schofield’s concerns on board but during his last test his bloodlust compelled him to drive the wrong way down a one-way street and exit a roundabout without indicating. Add to that he is now on his fourth driving instructor after disembowelling and eating the previous three. ‘
‘Like it or not, just as we have national speed awareness courses for people who are caught speeding, it’s high time we introduced a similar course for those who don’t drive fast enough owing to the effects of partial decomposition.’