John from accounts has derisively sighed, shaken his head in despair and apathetically slung his copy of the Daily Mail onto the canteen table while declaring ‘And that’s why I don’t bother voting anymore’.
This action was followed by a twenty-seven minute diatribe about ‘The good old days’ with frequent references to how ‘People had respect for each other’ while reiterating three times that ‘You didn’t lock your front doors, because you didn’t need to’. At one point he seemingly lost his focus and digressed into details about how ‘I remember when this was all fields’ before returning to the subject in hand and explaining ‘There was none of this Health and Safety nonsense either’.
John’s rant received a mixed response from his work colleagues, largely divided over age-based demographics. While many older colleagues nodded in sympathy and offered the occasional ‘And that’s what made Britain great’ many younger members of the team remained unmoved by his heartfelt monologue. Holly from reception opted to keep her head buried firmly in her book while Paul from sales kept attempting to catch the attention of Pete, also from sales, in order to grin and roll his eyes. Meanwhile Sam from IT updated his Facebook status to ‘John’s off again. Someone shoot me. LOL!’ An unsurprising response came from Derek who once again broke ranks with his fellow mature colleagues and left the canteen while muttering ‘Oh for God’s sake’.
The well rehearsed expression of irritation was almost derailed when June from marketing attempted to instigate a change of conversation by raising the issue of the newly installed water cooler on the third floor. But John fiercely defended his audience by talking increasingly loudly and forcing them to consider ‘Where’s the Blitz spirit gone?’
Despite feeling like he was only just beginning to get into his stride John was eventually interrupted by Director Martin Worrall announcing that lunch had finished five minutes previously and that everyone was to return to their desks. As he begrudgingly obliged John privately considered that he’d possibly just given his best speech since last September’s contemplation upon immigration.
John has been a generally tolerated member of the accounts team for over twenty-three years. He has a great deal of experience in public speaking while on lunch breaks and is seriously considering writing a book.