• Korean manned Space flight programme stalls grounded after Canine test-pilot disappears in mysterious circumstances.
• Prince Harry warned by His Grandmother’s Revenue & Customs he WILL be strip-searched upon returning from Jamaica visit.
• Top London insurance company bans High Fibre diets after evidence links the lifestyle choice to increases in comfort breaks.
• Tandridge District Council apologise after “admin blunder” causes 20 foot granite statue of Heston Blumenthal to be erected in man’s driveway.
• Paul Daniels ‘red faced’ after queuing in A&E for 4 hours with a plasticine sausage packed in frozen peas “I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t another one of mine”.
• Mit Romney accidentally says “I can’t wait to get my finger on that nooclear button” during Republican address, crowd doesn’t seem to mind or notice.
• Boris Johnson allowed to walk out of Lidl with fifteen boxes of Sugar Puffs after staff mistake him for the Honey Monster.
• Elton John falls unexpectedly pregnant with second child – Couple said to be over the moon.
• Croydon’s longest established chicken shop Corrugated Chicken is to close its doors after 18 years. Owner blames competition from nearby Moist Fried Chicken and Southern Evangelical Chicken.
• Local man (56) who lost his left sideburn in a bicycle crash four years ago has been given the gift of a sideburn again, thanks to pioneering prosthetics work by Croydon College. “After four years of misery it’s like I’ve been given my face back!”
• New TV talent show format launched by Simon Cowell “The WTF Factor” featuring one hour dedicated to persuading the mentally deficient to perform on stage for a chance to win a house.
• Red Cross launches urgent appeal for inhabitants of remote Pacific island, who’ve eaten nothing but Werther’s Originals since 1996 when a cargo container washed up on their shore.
• Englebert Humperdinck to headline Download Festival.
