Less than a day after a fan was fined £100 for spraying 'St. James' Park' onto the ground of Newcastle United, chairman Mike Ashley has announced that the team itself is to be rebranded 'Sports Direct Union'.
"I just think this is the right time for such a change" commented Ashley, whom we had caught chucking darts at pictures of Alan Shearer and Kevin Keegan just minutes before. "This isn't just a team to me, but a brand. A brand we can exploit to its fullest potential... and besides, I'll never miss an opportunity to piss off the fans."
Currently, all merchandise bearing the Newcastle United name is being recalled from the shops upon which it will all be burned in an incinerator. However Ashley insisted that this change was only temporary, and was only in place to attract potential sponsors to the club.
"Who knows, in a few weeks the club could be known as 'McDonalds United' or 'Carphone Warehouse Rovers'. Right now, I'm in talks with a society of pancake flippers... I'd love nothing more than to rename this club 'Tossers United'."