In what one industry analyst has described as "a last desperate effort to yank humanity back from the edge of the abyss," Apple's soon-to-be-announced iPad 3 will in all likelihood include a variation on spellcheck software that will replace juxtapositions of the words "would" and "of" with the far less moronic and so fucking obviously grammatically correct "would have", you frigging idiots! Sorry.
The automatic correction software would also administer a sharp electric shock to any semantically challenged imbecile committing the error, utilising the device's capacitive touch screen technology to do so.
As reports emerged of Stephen Fry apparently dissolving smugly into a pool of "plummy bliss" on hearing the news, Richard Bell, professor of Linguistic Pedantry at Lincoln University had this to say:
"It's about time these illiterate twerps were given a short, sharp shock. Yes, that will learn them."
