‘Englebert is a valued addition to the team,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘He has sold over 150 million albums which is far more than Steve Hilton ever managed, and he is just the man to help me appeal to the ladies.’
‘My first task is help sex up Mr Cameron’s image,’ explained the septuagenarian pop sensation. ‘To appeal to that all-important female demographic, David is growing a nice pair of mutton chop side burns. He is also making good progress on his gyrating hip thrust, which should make all the difference at PMQs.’
‘Englebert will also be helping me to relaunch the Big Society,’ said an already crooning Cameron. ‘This time round we are planning to set up a range of community choirs who will sing the Humperdinck back catalogue while they gleefully sweep the streets and pick up litter.’
Humperdinck is already a firm favourite in government circles. Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is well known for his version of A Man Without Love, while Business Secretary Vince Cable is regularly to be seen wandering the corridors of Westminster singing ‘Please Release Me, Let Me Go’.
Not to be outdone, Labour leader Ed Miliband has approached Tom Jones for advice. 'Tom recommended I don a pair of tight leather trousers,’ said Miliband. ‘They chafe a bit and I’m not too sure about the frilly shirt, but I will do whatever it takes to help me connect with the voters.’
The appointment of Humperdinck to such a high profile position has seen a rapid response from other European nations. France have already called in octogenarian Charles Aznavour, Ireland have appointed the double header think-tank Jedward and Greece are currently contemplating the tactical deployment of Demis Roussos.
Meanwhile, in other news, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has been confirmed as Britain’s entry for the Eurovision Song Contest, where he will be performing his heartfelt rendition of Puppet on a String.
