Vladimir Putin has won in Russia's presidential elections, returning for a third term after spending the last four years as the country's PM. Exit polls and preliminary results gave him about 60% of the vote. Mr Putin told supporters at a rally in central Moscow they had won in an open and honest battle, then paused, sniggered and insisted on reading out a telegram from Robert Mugabe, his friend and mentor.
"Congratulations Vladi, you mentioned to get back in! A great effort getting 60% of the vote. I got 120% of the vote in my last election but, you know, you're getting there. Keep on plugging away son."
Putin went on after wiping away tears of hilarity.
"Can't believe you mentioned to get away with it without killing so many people this time you old bastard. I don't really need to anymore but I do it for a laugh. You know, keep them all on their toes. There's bound to demonstrations on Monday so go crazy. No, I mean it really go crazy, ice those motherfuckers. If you need any tips, drop me a fax, our email is down again. Because I said so."
It is likely that Monday's demonstrations will be slightly muted after Mr Putin put the telegram down, laughed for a few minutes and them stared at the crowd menacingly.